i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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