Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Randomize