I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
