i permit you to call me
Apparently you make a good broom.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
me + whiskey = a bad person
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
