between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
