whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize