I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
