I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize