Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
