I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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