dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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