I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
