some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
