i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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