We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
