it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize