Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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