By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
