I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
