If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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