I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
