I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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