Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
