You don't have asthma, your pregnant
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
