i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My Higher Power is John Stamos
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
