He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
