Bisexual people are plain selfish.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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