I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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