actually, I'm a sock model
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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