I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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