it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
