Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
