My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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