yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
