i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
