I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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