this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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