Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the condom got lost in my hair
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
