I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
