Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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