dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I looked at my own cervix.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
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