moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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