If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
