Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Bring me that man meat
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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