apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
