So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
