I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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