I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
