today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
