We need to rekindle our bromance
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
