Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize