Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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