I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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