When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
