So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
